What is a friend
by lesboek
Summary: Kenma is depressed sometimes. It happens. Kuroo finds Kenma in a depressed state and wants to help the boy, but is not sure he is able to.
1. Chapter 1

Kuroo stood walked up to the house he had been to a thousand times before. The driveway was empty, that meant Kenma's parents were still working. He walked up to the front door and took a spare key from under the doormat. He opened the door, put the key back and walked inside.

He kicked off his shoes as he flicked on the light. Kenma was sick, so he probably was playing some videogame on the couch, Kuroo thought. He walked towards the living room. The living room was uninhabited. Kuroo turned around and made his way upstairs. He knocked on Kenma's door, but did not wait for permission to enter.

Kenma's room was dark. Curtains and shutters shielded it from the outside sun. The hallway lamp cast his long shadow into the room. The desk was piled with books and notebooks. A backpack stood on the chair, opened, as if Kenma had decided halfway of packing his back that he was too sick to go to school. On the bed lay black blankets draped over the silhouette of a young man.

Kuroo turned on the lights. The silhouette moved, burying deeper into the dark sheets, betraying that his back was facing kuroo. Strands of blond hair peeked out of the pile of blankets. Kuroo walked towards the bed and sat on the side.

"How are you kenma?" Asked Kuroo. There was no reaction. Kuroo leaned backwards, hanging over his friend. He placed a hand in front of where Kenma's face ought to be to support his weight. "Kenma? I know you're not asleep. I heard you have the flu." No reaction still. "You should have texted me, I texted you like ten times today. I had to hear from your teacher that you were sick." The life under the blankets gave no recognition to Kuroo's words. Kuroo sighed and put the palm of his hand to Kenma's forehead. It was warm, but a warmth that showed no sign of a fever. "You're not sick are you?"

A shrug.

Kuroo forcefully pulled down the blanket, revealing Kenma's face. Kenma stared at the wall. "Kenma. What's wrong? Why weren't you at school today?" His tone revealing his worry. Another shrug. Kuroo lowered his body, leaning on his elbow as his side rested on Kenma's. "What's wrong?" He asked again. No reaction, not even a shrug.

Kuroo sat up and ran his fingers through Kenma's hair. It was tangled. Clearly a comb had not touched it today. As the thought crossed his mind he noticed the faint smell of Kenma's morning breath. He looked at Kenma, who was still staring the white wall intensely. "Kenma, I know you get down sometimes, but you worry me when you're like this. Have you even been out of bed today? Have you eaten anything?"

Again, a shrug.

"At least look at me!" cried Kuroo. Kenma's eyes moved to look at Kuroo, his head stayed perfectly still.

Their eyes locked. Kenma's gaze looked exhausted. Kuroo flinched and broke eye contact. He sighed. "I'm not going to let you wallow in self pity. Get up, get dressed. We're going down for a cup of tea." He stood up threw open the curtains and raised the blinds. The sunlight lit up the room in a more full way than the lamps ever could. Kuroo continued to Kenma's closet, he grabbed a pair of pants and a sweater and made his way back to the bed. Kenma lay still.

With a forceful pull he threw the blankets on the back of the bed. Kenma curled up. He pulled his legs towards his chest and buried his face between his knees. Kuroo pulled Kenma's arms away and pinned them down on the bed, forcing him to lie on his back. Kenma tried to struggle, but Kuroo would not give in. "No." He spoke in a resolute voice. Kenma looked at him. "You're getting up. Now."

Kenma gave in. He relaxed his arms and legs and closed his eyes. Kuroo released his arms and sat back up. Kenma moved to sit on the side of the bed with Kuroo. He sat hunched over, his elbows resting on his bare legs as he gripped his hair. Kuroo put an arm around him and pulled him close. "Kenma," he spoke softly, "what's the matter?" Kenma sighed. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He lowered his arms, putting his hands on is knees. "I don't know." He said.

Kuroo was relieved. Kenma spoke. Kenma reacted. Kenma acknowledged his existence.

"Have you been in bed all day?" Kuroo asked. Kenma nodded. "Have you eaten anything?" Kenma shook his head. "Can you handle coming downstairs with me to get a cup of tea? It'll make you feel better I promise." Kenma hesitated, then nodded. Kuroo stood up and presented the jeans and sweater he took from the closet. "Great! Then put these on please. Having tea in a shirt and briefs is a bit much, don't you think?" A faint smile appeared on Kenma's face. Finally, Kuroo thought.

Kuroo looked at Kenma, who seemed to gather all his power to stand up. Kenma stood. He walked right past Kuroo towards the closet, opening a few drawers, pulling out two black pieces of fabric. Kuroo turned around. He heard kenma changing. A few steps. The sweater was pulled out of his hands. A few moments later the pants were gone too. He heard a leg slip in, and another one. A zip, his que to turn around.

Kenma stood in front of him. Kuroo smiled. "Good, you look much better like this." He said as he walked downstairs. Kenma followed slowly. Kuroo was already boiling water in the kitchen when he heard Kenma shuffling into the living room. He heard thud as Kenma let himself fall on the couch. He took two mugs of tea and made his way towards him. Kenma lay sideways on the couch, Kuroo gently kicked him a few times, urging him to sit up straight. Kenma complied and sat up with crossed legs, warming his hands with the mug of tea.

They sipped their tea in silence. Kuroo tried to start up a conversation, but Kenma would only reply with hums and nods. He eventually gave up. He wasn't going to find out what was wrong this way. Kenma would tell him after he got himself together, he thought.

After an hour he broke the silence again. "Kenma," he said, "it's running late, I have to go soon. Are you going to be okay now?"

Kenma hummed. Kuroo looked at him, trying to convey that he was unsatisfied with the answer. Kenma sighed and spoke softly. "Yes, Kuroo."

"I will pick you up tomorrow, okay?"

"You don't have to."

"I will."

Kenma sighed. "Okay."

Kuroo got up and got his backpack. For a short moment the room was illuminated by a car driving up the driveway. "You're mother is home. I'll leave you in her care." Kuroo smiled. Kenma looked up and nodded.

"See you tomorrow!" Kuroo tried to sound happy as he walked out. He wasn't happy .


	2. Chapter 2

Kuroo stood in front of Kenma's house. The door opened en Kenma walked towards him. He looks okay, Kuroo thought. "Good morning, Kenma." He said. Kenma wished him a good morning as well and flashed a gentle smile. They walked their route to school.

"Good morning, Kenma!" Lev yelled. "Feeling better? You better! We need to train hard today!" The barrage of words did not give Kenma time to reply. Kenma just nodded and the three of them continued their walk.

At the school gate Kenma and Kuroo split up. "Take care today, okay?" Kuroo tried to reassure Kenma, but he sounded like he wanted to be comforted himself. He grabbed Kenma's arms. "If anything is wrong, text me, no call me." Kenma smiled gently. "I'll be fine, Kuroo. See you at lunch?" Kuroo put his hands in his pockets and leaned back a little. He accepted Kenma's invitation and headed to class.

—

He tried to concentrate, but his mind kept drifting off. The Kenma of yesterday would not leave his head. Helpless and covered in gloom. He shook his head. Kenma was fine now, he smiled, he talked, he was fine. He knew Kenma had periods like this before. It was no big deal. He would be down for a day or two and the he'd be his old self again. No, Kuroo corrected himself, today he was his old self again.

Kuroo took his pen and copied the notes on the blackboard. He forced himself to read what he wrote. The formula looked foreign to him. Well, he thought, what do you expect when you don't pay attention? He wrote down his homework, packed his bag and headed towards Kenma's classroom.

Kenma was eating a sandwich at his desk. Kuroo took the chair from the table in front of him and sat on it backwards, arms leaning on the back. "I thought we would eat lunch together." Kenma looked at Kuroo as if he was unsure if the other was really offended. Kuroo felt like he had to clear up the misunderstanding. "It's a joke, it's okay." He said in a pace so fast it seemed like he just said something horrible.

Kenma continued to eat. Kuroo got his lunch out of his back an took a bite from his sandwich. "So how are you?" he asked with a mouth full of sandwich.

"I'm fine." Kenma said with a sigh. He looked up. "How are you? You're acting awkward since yesterday. Did I scare you that much?"

"Ooh." A third voice, bristling with curiosity, joined the conversation. Yamamoto leaned over the table, alternating his glance between Kenma and Kuroo. "You were scared Kuroo? What happened? No! Wait! Kenma! Did you confess? You two are always so close, that has to be it! Aww Kuroo, you shouldn't be scared. I know you're not like that, but scared! Poor Kenma! Tell me! How did it happen. I.."

Kuroo interrupted. "That did not happen."

"And I'm not gay." Kenma added.

"Then what is it?" Yamamoto exclaimed.

"Nothing that you need to know about." Kenma added a stern look to the words.

"Ah!" Yamamoto stood straight and made a wide gesture with his arms. "You deny everything, but won't tell me what actually happened. That can only mean I'm right!"

"You're wrong." Kuroo said and got up. "I'm going back to class. You should as well, Yamamoto."

Yamamoto protested, but was swayed by Kuroo to return to his class. Kuroo smiled at Kenma as they left, Kenma smiled back. It looked forced, Kuroo thought.

—

The training felt normal. Kuroo noticed Kenma was more quiet than usual, but he figured that was to be expected after yesterday. He spent all afternoon practicing his receives, but he failed miserably. He paid too much attention to Kenma and too little to the ball. Yamamoto made some snide comment, saying Kuroo should stop eyeballing his boyfriend and focus already. Kuroo let it slide, he was not in the mood.

As the training ended they made their way to the dressing room. Kenma sat next to Kuroo and took off his shoes. Kuroo did the same. "So, you want me to hang out at your place today?" Kenma stood up and took off his shirt. "Not really," he responded, "I have some stuff I need to do tonight."

Kuroo stood up as well, taking of his shorts and shirt. He felt the chill against his bare skin. "O really? What?" He glanced at Kenma who was rummaging through is bag, wearing nothing but his black briefs.

"Nothing, I'll tell you later. I just need some time to do it, okay?" Kenma's revealed a struggle. Kuroo wondered if Kenma actually wanted to tell him. Should he pressure him to do so? No, he rebuked himself, Kenma needed some space now.

"Stop eyeballing your boyfriend, Kuroo!" Yamamoto exclaimed.

"Shut up, Yamamoto!" Kuroo and Kenma answered in sync.

"Okay. Should I pick you up for the match tomorrow?" Kuroo asked, as he watched Kenma button up his shirt.

"Sure."

"Okay." Kuroo zipped his pants and put his shirt on. "Then I'll be at your place. 8 o'clock I think. Yeah that'll be good. 8 it is."

Kenma picked up his bag. "8 it is." He said as he left the building.


	3. Chapter 3

The practice match went expeditiously. Nekoma was at set point, 24 to 18. The opponent served and Morisuke received it perfectly. Kuroo dashed forward, jumped and swung his arm. There was no ball. Confusion struck him. Wasn't he in the perfect position so spike? There were no blockers in front of him, Kenma should have seen this. Who did he set to? Yamamoto? He looked to the other end of the net, Yamamoto was also smashing air. He heard a ball hit the ground and looked at Kenma. Kenma stood still as a rock.

Kuroo landed and ran towards him. "Kenma, what's the matter? Why didn't you set?"

Kenma did not mover nor did he answer. The expression in his eyes blank, staring into the distance. Kuroo moved himself in his field of vision. "Kenma," his voice revealed his worry, "are you okay?" He thought Kenma stared right through him. He put his hand on Kenma's shoulder. As if triggered the setter inhaled sharply, his eyes shooting to meet his. His mouth opened, he raised his hand to put it on Kuroo's arm, but Kenma formed no words.

Kuroo felt stupid. He had the hunch that Kenma was not okay. You should not have let him go home alone, he told himself. You should have stayed by his side, to help him through this.

A tear made it's way over Kenma's cheek. His breathing became fast and shallow. Kuroo noticed how the hand on his arm was starting to tremble and at the same time gripping tighter. Kenma looked at him, his expression full of panic and helplessness. Kuroo moved closer and put his arms around his friend. He tried to make soothing sound, which only seemed to encourage the crying. Kenma's body felt weak. Kuroo noticed how Kenma's body became heavier. The boy sagged through his knees and took Kuroo with him.

They sat on their knees. Kuroo held Kenma. Kenma sobbed. Kuroo whispered soft words in Kenma's ear as he gently rubbed his back. Morisuke knelt beside them. "Kenma," he spoke in a way that tried to convey compassion, "are you okay? Can you move?" Kenma just sobbed. Morisuke directed his attention to Kuroo. "Kuroo, can you get Kenma out of here? I don't think making a scene here is going to help the situation." Kuroo nodded.

Kuroo got up and pulled Kenma along with him. He flung the sobbing boys arm around his shoulder, grabbing his wrist tight. His other arm he wrapped around the boys waist and pulled him close. Slowly they walked towards the dressing rooms. Kuroo carried almost all the weight of his friend, who barely moved his feet enough to count as walking. Kenma's sobbing was tearing him apart. He felt horrible dragging him around like this, not knowing what was going on.

He put Kenma down on a bench in the dressing room and knelt before him. Kenma still cried, almost hyperventilating. Kuroo put his forhead against Kenma's. He took Kenma's hands between his and looked at them. He smelled Kenma's teary breath against his face. "Kenma." He immediately regretted starting to speak. He did not know what to say. He did not know how to calm him. He did not know what was going on in Kenma's head. He gathered himself and continued. "I don't know what's going on, but I'm here. I'm with you. I want to help."

The only answer he got was sobbing.

"We'll get through this. Just. Just let me in, let me help." He got up and walked towards his bag and got out a bottle. He walked towards the sink and filled it up before kneeling in front of Kenma again. "Here." He offered the bottle. Kenma wrapped his hands around it, shaking. He put it to his mouth and let the water flow into it. His shaking and uncontrolled breathing made him spill and a small stream of water ran down his chin. It did not matter to Kuroo, drinking seemed to calm Kenma down. He was relieved. For a moment he had thought the crying would never stop.

Kuroo put his hands on Kenma's knees. Caressing them gently in an attempt to soothe the other. The water, the soft touch, the silence. It seemed to work. Slowly Kenma's breath returned to normal. He looked at Kuroo, a combination of red eyes and dried tears formed his face.

Kenma took a deep breath and let out a whisper. "Sorry."

"No sorries." Kuroo rebuked him. "Are you okay?"

'Yes, thanks."

"Can I help you?"

"No."

"But I want to. I don't want you to go through this alone, whatever it may be."

"I know."

Kuroo wanted to answer, to put some pressure on him, but he thought the effect would be counterproductive. He hated his own helplessness.

He sat besides Kenma. Both of them stayed silent. Kenma wiped his face with his shirt in an attempt to remove the dried tears. Kuroo kept a close eye on him. He thought the other had a pondering look about him, what was he thinking about? He was worried that Kenma would never tell him. Kenma glanced at him and offered him the bottle. He accepted and took a gulp before handing it back. Kenma rolled the bottle between his hands as he stared at it.

"So," he said without looking at Kuroo, "are we going to stay here?"

Kuroo put an arm around him. "We could go back, watch the match. You don't have to play. Are you up for that?"

Kenma nodded. "As long as you watch it with me."

"I will."

They walked back into the gymnasium. Kuroo felt the eyes of all the players focussing on them. He blocked Kenma from their vision by walking broadly in front of him. They sat down on a bench. Kuroo glanced at the scoreboard. Second set, 16-14. He tried to start a conversation with Kenma, smalltalk about the match. It was hard, Kenma wouldn't respond more than with a yes or no. Eventually Kuroo yielded and watched the rest of the match quietly with Kenma.


	4. Chapter 4

Kenma wasn't in school. Kuroo took out his phone and send him a text telling him to contact him. He was sure last match would have had an impact on the boy, but he hadn't expected him not showing up. He went to his class. He made some obligatory notes, checking his phone every few minutes to see if Kenma had replied. He pressed the button on his phone again and sighed relieved. 1 message. His relief disappeared as soon as he saw that the number was unknown.

01234567890: is kenma ok?

Kuroo: who is this?

01234567890: Hinata from karasuno

01234567890: i haven't heard from kenma in 3 days

01234567890: he won't pick up his phone

01234567890: i just called

Kuroo: I dont know

Kuroo: I will check

Kuroo got up from his desk, made up an excuse to leave class and left. He ran out of the school towards Kenma's House. Kenma would always reply to Hinata. Always. He would always smile when he received a message, always. Why not now? The road was longer than he remembered.

He finally reached Kenma's house and sprinted to the front door. He took the spare key from under the doormat, like he had done a thousand times, and unlocked the door. He ran through the hallway, not bothering to take off his shoes or close the door behind him. With loud stomps he climbed the stairs and finally stood in front of Kenma's room. He did not knock, he did not ask permission to enter. His body moved on his own and he swung open the door.

The room was in twilight. Only the desk light burned, revealing a single notebook. Closed curtains. Closed blinds. The room was in chaos. Pillows were scattered across, a blanket hung over a closet. Kenma's chair lay on it's side in the middle of the room. His books were scattered over the floor, as if he had decided to empty his bag in the middle of the room. The bag itself was nowhere to be seen. On his bed lay his phone, the white light illuminating a few folds on his mattress.

Kenma was wearing his red Nekoma track suit. It slightly sagged, reaching over his heels. Almost covering his feet. Kuroo stood petrified. Kenma's feet were not touching the ground. For a moment Kuroo could not get any air. He didn't know what he should do, he felt the adrenalin pump through is body as his muscles took control. He ran forward, grabbed the boy by his waist and lifted him up. Tugging at the belt around his neck. Kenma swayed side to side, making it nearly impossible for Kuroo to get him down. Finally he succeeded and the boy fell on the ground with a loud smack.

Kuroo moved fast. He knew he had to get help. He pulled his phone from his pocket, dialed 119, put the phone on speaker and threw it besides him. Kenma was not breathing. He pinched Kenma's nose, put their lips together and blew. A woman was talking to him through the phone. He nearly screamed to her. He tried to explain the situation, but he couldn't finish a single sentence. He wasn't even sure he was making any sense. The woman on the other side seemed to understand, Kuroo blew out a sigh of relief when she said she would send an ambulance.

He wasn't sure what he was doing. He put his hands on Kenma's chest and pumped. How long did you have to do this? At what tempo? He had only seen this thing in movies, there had to be a trick to it. He alternated the makeshift CPR with breathing into Kenma's mouth.

He didn't know how long he had been doing this when he was dragged away from his friend. A large man forced him on the bed as a man and a women sat on both sides of Kenma. They ripped open his shirt and put the cold iron of a defibrillator on his chest. The current made the boy spasm.

Kuroo sat, helpless. His legs were shaking, his arms were shaking. The man sitting besides him on the bed offered him a tissue, was he crying? He was crying, tears flowed down his cheeks. Was he breathing? He wasn't sure.

It was not long until the man and the woman stood up. The woman shook her head. The man apologized. Kuroo did not understand, or maybe he did. Was this the end? He looked at the man next to him, he shook his head and apologized. Why did they apologize? They had to save him!

"You have to.." He yelled, but his voice died before he could finish his sentence.

He cried. He trembled. "No, no, no." His mantra repeated, drove out the deafening silence of the room. "No, no, no." The man put an arm around him and stroked his shoulder. "No, no, no." The other man and woman were packing, talking in the hallway in a voice that was not meant to be heard, but heard anyway. They conversed matter of factly, dealing with the practical issues that arose. Kuroo blocked it out. "No, no, no."

The man beside him started to talk. Explained how they couldn't do any more. How he was sorry. How Kuroo had done all he could have done. Kuroo's mantra fell silent, his lips moving without sound.

He did all that he could have? How could that be? This man clearly knew not wat he was talking about. If only he had stayed with Kenma. If only he picked him up this morning. If only…

It was over now. It was all over.

Kuroo hates the way he looks now. A black suit, a black tie, a black shirt. There is no more complete way to express his mourning in clothing. He sighs as he gets in out of the car and walks into the church. It's still early and the gothic building is dimly lit. He glances around, seeing Kenma's family and friends. He smiles as his eyes pass bright orange hair. Hinata made it all the way from Miyagi. It was weird to see Hinata in a black suit and a mournful face, but he was extremely grateful of it.

The service proceeded and it became his time to speak. He did not really want to, but Kenma's mother had forced him. With hanging shoulders he slouched forward and took his place behind the lectern. He got a piece of paper from his pocket en stroke if flat. He leaned with both hands on the wood, took a deep breath and read aloud.

"Dear Kuroo,"

He glanced the room. Wanting to know if they knew what was coming. He couldn't tell. Another deep breath.

"I'm sorry to do this to you. I know you are worried."

He exhaled the last of his breath with a tremble.

"I lived in darkness for the last years. But you were my light. When you were around the darkness was gone. Every day I would watch your light leave me. And I would get through the night, knowing you would light my morning."

Kuroo's voice trembled. He could feel a lump in his throat. He tried to look composed, but knew he failed miserably.

"Kuroo, I have grown blind. Your light has not faded, but my vision has. Now your presence hurts me, it adds to the darkness."

A tear rolled from his eye.

"I cannot live in a world where the people I love hurt me. I have lived here too long. Forgive me. I will always love you."

Kuroo sobbed.

"Forever yours, Kenma."

Kuroo walked away from the lectern and moved toward the casket. He flung his arms around it, crying. He fell to his knees and let his arms slide over the sleek brown wood. "I forgive you." He sobbed. "I'm yours forever too."


End file.
